So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
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