Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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