Taylor Swift is so right about you.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i will never coherently bang her
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
