She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
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I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
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grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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