please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
