i think my mom watched the whole time
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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