It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
