I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
