my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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