I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
