Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
