ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
