he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
