Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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