I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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