I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
