My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
