Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
