I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
