i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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