I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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