the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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