I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
