Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
