So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
