I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
