He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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