He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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