those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
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We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
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I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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