i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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