Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
