You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
