Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
