I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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