Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
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my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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