he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
