On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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