if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
