This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
