Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
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It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
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if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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