even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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