Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
