So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
