That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
