I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
