She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
