I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
