i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
