Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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