Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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