gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
