We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
