So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
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My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
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Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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