uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
