Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
