this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
