she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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