My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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