My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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