I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
